Grief comes in waves, one never knows how hard the wave will hit, whether they can hold their balance or if they will drown in the sea of pain.

No one can teach us how to cope with grief when it happens in our lives, there are no set rules for how one "should do it". All we can do is go with the flow.

It is important to cry, to be allowed to cry, to allow yourself to cry. Having someone come cry with you is very healing for you and the other person. Family members may feel it is not ok to cry because doing so might upset someone around them.

It was when I saw my youngest sister, who used to come to visit me almost every day, come into my room with her shoulders hunched, her eyes could not meet mine that I felt her need to cry. I cannot quite remember how I approached the issue of our need to sit together and feel the pain, or even if I said anything at all, but I felt this great need to comfort her and in doing so I knew I would feel comforted.

After that my little sister would come and sit at the end of my bed almost every day, she would touch my swollen legs and massage my feet. We would cry and laugh together. She helped me a great deal because she was not afraid of my grief nor me of her's.

I came to recognize the grief as waves that swept over me when I least expected. I became very aware of my self-healing power and used the wave to my benefit. There was no point in fighting the natural process of grief, it had to happen.

Being connected to what is happening around you means you can take control, rather than fighting, stifling or suppressing. If we hold enough of anything inside, when it continues to flow, it will eventually burst out. I am reminded of the lyrics from Leonard Cohen:

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

I found myself trying to be like others expected me to be, to be either overwrought with grief or acting like nothing had happened. I had been trained not to cry, so I acted strong in the presence of some. Then there were those who expected me to be so overwrought that all I could do was cry. So I became a quick change artist, playing the role demanded by others, until I realized that this was my grief, not theirs. They had no understanding what it was like to be ME, what my children meant to me or what physical pain I was in.

There is no normal or ad-normal way to heal, you just have to go with your flow, do what you need to do. Everyone should respect each others need to grieve and not dictate how it should be done. If we were all the same it would be a very boring world indeed.